The JOKE Thread (Post your jokes here)

[roraniel]

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did...

Helpline:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
Helpline:
"Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
Customer:
"What's an ignition?"
Helpline:
"It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer:
"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

_________________________________________________

Helpline:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
Helpline:
"Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer:
"Huh? How do I know?"
Helpline:
"There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer:
"I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
Helpline:
"You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'."
Customer:
"No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'."
Helpline:
"A 'V'?!?"
Customer:
"Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
Helpline:
"No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
Customer:
"That steering wheel thingy -- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
Helpline:
"Yes, among other things."
Customer:
"The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Helpline:
"It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer:
"What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

__________________________________________________

Helpline:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"Your cars ****!"
Helpline:
"What's wrong?"
Customer:
"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
Helpline:
"What were you doing?"
Customer:
"I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
Helpline:
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
Customer:
"Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."
Helpline:
"Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
Customer:
"What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
Helpline:
"Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
Customer:
"How do you do THAT?"
Helpline:
"You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
Customer:
"Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
Helpline:
"Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer:
"I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

_____________________________________________

Helpline:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
"Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline:
"Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer:
"How do I work it?"
Helpline:
"Do you know how to drive?"
Customer:
"Do I know how to what?"
Helpline:
"Do you know how to DRIVE?"
Customer:
"I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

[roraniel]

Clever

[SysOp]

Here's a horror/suspense story in the bunch of jokes. I am sure that will add to some variety

My friend lives in Tremolo, housing area where it's mostly surrounded by trees and high land areas. One day he went to Kuala Lumpur to visit his uncle over there for few weeks. One evening he went to town for a movie.

He had so much fun that he forgot that it's very late. He quickly made a move to home. As he was walking, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as it was so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy looking guy selling some books as of people selling VCD's in Kuala Lumpur.

It got the shivers on him when he noticed that this old guy is so pale and staring at him...... The old guy said "son why dun u get a book.....it would keep u company".

My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his collections..... My friend's hair started to rise up as he noticed that all the books were related to supernatural activities..... but he found one that was very interesting. So he asked the old man "how much izzit uncle?"

The old guy replied, "Well son....this is an interesting book...it's only for $ 250. My friend was shocked and said "but....but...it's expensive...." This time the old man stared which freaked my friend. My friend quickly checked all his pockets & found $200 & said "This is all I have."

The old guy replied "It's ok son ....u can 've the book for that price" As my friend was just about to run for home.....the old man called back & said "son .... whatever happen, you don't ever flip the book to it's last page.... remember these words....or you would regret it....!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

My friend nodded and took off.... Reaching home..... he quickly asked his parents "dad.. mom ..is there any new book sellers nearby?" They replied "not that we know of but ...we've heard that there's 1 old man comes once in a while during full moon days but heard that there is something creepy about it...why son?"

My friend freaked out ...... he told his parents "nothing dad...just asking". He started reading the book with the old man's words on his mind. At night.........12 0'clock ....... as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew which chilled him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had blown the pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has said !!!!!!! ..... But we humans tend to have the tendency to know..... Out of curiosity, he flipped to the last page & fainted.............

What he saw at the last page is stated below:
















BOOK FOR SALE!

Original Price: $ 20
Promotion Price : $ 10

[Rahul964]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might turn out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer ? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT !

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' . . .

Too Funny, Where is rest part???

[Rahul964]

here is Funny Scan by me, This page was published on nanhe samrat april, 09



---------- Post added at 09:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:08 AM ----------

if you people, want more, jokes from nanhe samrat, then please reply

[Kishan]

lol

[seti]

here is Funny Scan by me, This page was published on nanhe samrat april, 09



---------- Post added at 09:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:08 AM ----------

if you people, want more, jokes from nanhe samrat, then please reply

no idea what it was about sorry, as you wouldn't if I wrote in Manx

[Corrine]

I agree, Seti. Besides, those are cartoons, not jokes. (I know, semantics )

This one is entitled "Grandma":

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man fromFloridaback there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma ...

[tweakwindows]

So many fresh jokes. I will do some copy paste later

[roraniel]

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

_____________________________________

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

______________________________________

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

________________________________________

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

_____________________________________

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

_________________________________________

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

____________________________________

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

__________________________________

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

_____________________________________

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

____________________________________

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

_________________________________

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

_____________________________________

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman